Thinking about This girl today.

She sends the most incredible Tuesday emails. Full of her charming personality and enthusiasm for serving the Lord's children. I love love LOVE when she uses "OH MYLANTA" or "buggin!" in her emails, because I know it is her. I look forward to reading them each week. She is happy and alive and vibrant and working hard. Why is it then, that reading things like this kinda sorta a little bit bothers me. (She is referring to a conference she had with Elder and Sister Pearson from the 70.)

Oh boy did he lay it on thick! Basically we were all rebuked for being crummy missionaries and not living up to our potential. It was a hard thing for me to hear (the wicked take the truth to be hard), but it was beneficial to my growth as a disciple of Jesus Christ. We were taught about how doubt often overcomes our faith (Faith - Disbelief = Net Faith). Faith is a gift from God. Just like any blessing from God, Faith is predicated upon our obedience. He talked about our focus. We get what we consistently focus on. "If you keep doing what you're doing you'll keep getting what you're getting." He said he feared that effective personal prayer was a big problem in this mission. It's has been one of my struggles too... of course that was my own fault. I left the conference completely exhausted, but SO ready to progress and change. I was not taking my discipleship seriously enough. I was content with the way things were going, I was not progressing, and I was not consecrating my whole self. I was also not willing to do whatever it takes to share the gospel. I wish you all could have been there so you could understand what I am talkiing about. It was amazing! Sister Pearson was incredible, I want to be like her! She's fiesty!!! For her talk, she yelled into the microphone as if she were a basketball coach, "If you are happy, NOTIFY YOUR FACE!!!! This is the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Gospel of GOOD NEWS!!!" I guess that is a good metaphore for the conference. I felt like we were all in the locker room at half time. We had not been playing at our full capacity, and so the coach was pleading for us to do better. Only.... Elder and Sister Pearson spoke by the power of the Holy Ghost. Anyway, it was really intense and wonderful. And now I am really working on changing!

What bothers me is not what message Elder Pearson is trying to convey. Missionaries always need to be refocused so they work harder and better. They need to be guided and counseled and advised by inspired leaders. What I do not like is that she felt like she was being told she was a crummy missionary. How she felt she was wicked because they "take the truth to be hard." How she felt she wasn't taking her discipleship seriously enough. Ugh. You are not a crummy missionary Alyssa! I know that because of the kind of person that you are. You are beautiful, hard-working, empathetic, kind, sincere, compassionate, patient, funny, and good sister with a powerful testimony of the gospel. And I know without any doubt that those characteristics also define you as a missionary.

Now, before I continue may I say that I am completely comfortable with the fact that we need to and should feel guilt on a regular basis. It helps us change. I also believe that we all can and should do more each day to be better disciples of the Lord Jesus, and I believe that is what Elder Pearson was trying to say.

I had terrible "numbers" on my mission. I taught 6 people who were baptized. That's averages to one every three months. My second mission president, Presidente Spitale encouraged us and promised us that it was possible to have at least one baptism per traslado. We were very strongly encouraged to make that our goal. Entonces, at conferences or other meetings I would inevitably go through exactly what my sister is talking about here, feeling guilty that I wasn't witnessing more baptisms. I felt that wasn't "exactly obedient" and that's why I wasn't as successful as others. There were missionaries who reached and even surpassed what Pte. Spitale recommended. He praised them and they taught us workshops about how to improve our success with investigators. They were admired and revered for being such excelente misioneros. Upon further acquaintance, however, I found some of them to be less than admirable. One such elder I never actually met, but came into 3 different areas just after he left them, and therefore had the responsibility of supporting and continuing to teach his converts. He left a trail of adoring young women, who were constantly asking us for information about him. One chica would give us risque love letters that the sin verguenza wouldn't even seal (and obviously my compa and I were sin verguenzas too and read every word of them. lol). Not one of these converts ever attended church again after this particular elder left the area. Is this how we define a successful missionary?

And that long side not leads me to my point.

But I don't appreciate this missionary mentality-- that success is defined by the number of people we baptize. Of course we need to get people to commit to baptism, but that's not allllll the work entails. I look back at my mission and I have NO regrets about the actual work I did. I worked HARD. Along with searching for people to bring into the gospel I went visiting teaching, I visited menos actives, I visited the elderly, I spent time with active members and their families, I talked to people about their lives, I listened, I took care of people when they were sick, I had FUN, I ate waaaaay too much dulce de leche, I noticed the sunsets, I was aware of my surroundings (I was in ARGENTINA after all!) and possibly most importantly I learned to love each of my companions. Some days we didn't leave the house, and yet the work of the Lord continued as we dealt with these various trials. I used to worry about the people who would never come to know the gospel because we weren't out knocking doors. That mentality is selfish at best. The Lord would never keep his children from knowing the truth because my companion was having a hard time and I needed to help her (or vice versa). His work is so much bigger and so much more than that.

Alyssa Rose, I hope that you are not being too hard on yourself, but maybe it's all part of the process. You are better than you think you are.